Tuesday, September 20, 2016

How to Let Loose Your Inner Gecko

Give your inner gecko a gangster nickname and start using that name at Starbucks. Even if you've been going to that particular Starbucks for years and all the baristas have known you as Mo, just politely insist they must now call you "Demonicus Goo Goo." (Yeah, that's actually my inner gecko's name.)

Make a pilgrimage to a place like Thailand or Mexico, where deep-fried bugs are considered hearty snacks. Tip: crickets and grasshoppers are the most cherished among geckokind. 

When feeling threatened or irritated at work, either by a boss or a coworker, don't engage in an altercation. Instead, spit at your workplace offender, utter rapid guttural hisses and ominously crawl away. 

While dining out, you may choose to maintain proper restaurant etiquette but you must also stay true to your reptilian nature. For example, NEVER put a forkful of steak into your mouth. Rather, hold the fork about an inch away from your face, then snatch that piece of filet mignon with your powerful tongue.

Don’t bother creating a self-aggrandizing profile filled with filtered selfies on a dating site. Simply attach an audible file of your mating call. (The barkier, the more lascivious!) That alone speaks volumes. 


I will take no responsibility if the following (but not limited to) issues occur: cricket-scented loose stools, phantom tail syndrome, acute tongue cramps, irrepressible aversion to human language, loss of relationships, involuntary commitment to a mental hospital, expulsion from society. 

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