Thursday, November 23, 2017

My Somewhat Memorable Deeds of 2017

January - I quit my job, planning to dedicate most of my time to pursuing a career teaching Pilates. I ended up, however, doing exactly what I used to do at my old job--munching on cookies, picking my nose (without needing to be discreet anymore), scrolling through Instagram every half an hour or so and "liking" photos I didn't actually like, gazing intently into nothing in particular, yawning, daydreaming, and avoiding reality at all costs.

February - I started my Pilates-teacher training in Costa Mesa and came to a stark realization that a majority of my classmates had thigh gaps (I mean, like, really noticeable ones), which is something I do not (and will probably never) have.

March - I got wasted on my birthday and kept denying (to myself) I just turned thirty-seven.

April - I binge-watched all five seasons of The Wire and became quite smitten with Omar Little. I mean Omar Little, the character, not Michael K. Williams, the actor who played Omar. Yeah, I tend to fall for gay armed robbers.

May - On Memorial Day, I went to a casino buffet, ate four lobsters, a plateful of mussels, and uncountable crab legs. I also took photos of them all, spent at least a good fifteen minutes to select the best filter for each picture, thinking to myself, who the fuck cares what I eat?, and then proceeded to post them on Facebook anyway.

June - I talked to my therapist about all of my troublesome quirks and bad habits--excessive daydreaming, self-sabotaging, stress eating, repetitive blinking when anxious, procrastination, obsession with ghosts, horrible taste in men--we agreed to blame everything on my mom.

July - My hairstylist and I had a riveting conversation about hairy poop. It started with me suggesting she should eat my hair to increase her protein and fiber intake. She wasn't at all repulsed by the idea but voiced her legitimate concern about how it might come out.

August - I participated in a Toastmasters public-speaking competition. I didn't make much of a speech, really.....just showed them photos of my husband staring keenly at his phone in various scenarios, and lamented how I was a victim of emotional neglect. They found my predicament to be hilarious, and I won. (Oh and I also anonymously voted for myself. No one knew.)

September - I exchanged an awkward goodbye hug with someone and spent the rest of the month wishing I'd done it differently. Instead of asking "Can I get a hug?", I wish I had yelled "Hug attack!" and just jumped on him. And why did he have to spin around and hurry away like that? I guess to sage himself and cleanse his aura of my residue.

October - I started working as an apprentice Pilates instructor and was quite surprised by my own diligence and strong work ethic which I NEVER demonstrated before at any of my previous jobs.

November - The root canal procedure went well.

December - Today is Thanksgiving so December hasn't happened yet, but I already know what I'll be doing next month--drink a lot of pumpkin spice latte, complain how cold weather gives me acne, wear my puffiest puffer jacket almost every day and walk around like an emperor penguin, buy new socks, accidentally put holes in most of them, then buy more socks. Yeah, that's pretty much it.